Caitlin Grey (foenix) wrote,
Caitlin Grey

The Times They Are a-Changin'.


Ah ha ha.

I realised I forgot to mention something over here, my long time primary source of blogging, which I feel bad has fallen by the wayside.  Still, as my main blog of record, I thought I'd finally remember and get around to posting it here.

Back four months ago...well, today, actually, so that's timing for ya...I came out as transgender.  It's something I've known about myself since before I even came online, even if I didn't have a word for it or knew it was really a thing and not just me being...weird?  I don't want to say broken, even if I felt that way for a long time.

I always felt like there as nothing I could do about it, so I stuffed that side into a box in my mind, and got around the business of being Jason.  And I was fine with that.  But over the last...10 years, five in particular, I've been reexamining things due to various factors, and...I am not as okay with it as I may have thought.  I still could go through my entire life being fine with being Jason, maybe, but I don't want to be just fine, I want to be myself.

And that is a woman.

This revelation is...probably being met by most people like the surprised monkey puppet, and I figure most of my long time friends had SOME inkling, because while I never said anything, it was a CONSTANT running theme of my life. ;)

I don't know if I'm ever going to transition, or if I'll ever be COMPLETELY out, but I'm trying to nudge my real world self a bit more in one direction, so I can feel more comfortable in my own skin, but still dealing with the necessity of Jason existing.  But at least online, with the people who matter most, I can at least be honest with them, and be myself.  Well, at least everywhere but Facebook, for the most part, since there's family there, and I am not ready for THAT hurdle.  I'm sure I'll get into THAT at some point.

I'm still trying to figure out who I am, but I've been going by Nicole, and it sounds really good the more I use it.  If you happen to deadname me, don't worry, I'm fine with it.  I fought to make that name my own, and earned it, and it's...actually kinda hard to let go, frustratingly enough.  J is a good alternative if you're not sure what to call me somewhere, and Foe/Foenix is ALWAYS who I am, no matter what.

I'mma call it a day there, and maybe post a bit more if anyone cares, but uh, yeah.  That happened this year.


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