Caitlin Grey (foenix) wrote,
Caitlin Grey

The Ending of Things

Hey! I've been pretty quiet for awhile, aside from Trisks and comics! I actually miss talking here more. After this post, you're gonna wish I went back to being quiet...

My life is less than 24 hours away from very possibly coming crashing down around my ears.

My dad is not doing great, hasn't been for most of this year. He's just shy of 80, and things are catching up with him. Things seemed to be getting better a year ago after he got an operation to fix a hernia, but little things kept happening, and cue an endless series of tests.

A few weeks ago, the doctors deduced there was something wrong with his lungs, and his heart strength had diminished, and he was advised not to drive long distances.

This cued my siblings to all start freaking out, and going to worst case scenarios, and pointing out to me how dad could have his license taken away from him. But for the most part, he seemed okay, and largely it was his mental state that was his biggest problem. When he wasn't thinking about the problems, he seemed like dad, and that was most of the time.

On Thursday, my brother picked him up to bring him down to his place in MA for a few days, so they could take him to the hospital for another test on Friday, and determine Just How Bad Things Are. Well, things occurred, and the appointment got bumped to Monday morning, so now I play the waiting game.

Now, on my side of things. I live with my dad, I don't work, I can't drive (Most of you know the reasons behind all this stuff so I won't go in depth there), and we live 10 miles from the nearest town, and 15-20 from the nearest city. So, if dad can't drive, there's no way he can stay here, and there's REALLY no way I can stay here.

Back around 2000ish, my mom's cousin moved to the area, and she couldn't drive anywhere either, and we just couldn't be her chauffeurs all the time, so she moved back to California after a single winter. I knew at that moment, that someday, that had a very real chance of being me, living here. It WILL NOT WORK.

So long ago, I at least had a *plan*. I would say things like, "OH if the worst happens, I'll just slam the panic button and be all, "HEY who wants to come move in with me!!" and people would *almost* certainly come. At least, I believed so. Back in 2000ish, it might've even been true. But since then, people have moved on, moved away, and/or outright *died*. I realised...I have zero friends. I mean, besides you guys. But people living hundreds of thousands of miles away don't really help, although back then, they were still an option.

I am so, completely, utterly alone.

For the past few months, when my siblings call, they keep bugging me about WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, or want to do, and I HAVE NO IDEA. I know I need to think about it, I *do* think about it, and nearly have panic attacks about it every single day. It doesn't help that half the time when they hit me with these Major Serious Topics, I've just woken up, and even if I *wanted* to think or talk about them, my brain is so not up for that topic. Let me at least get coffee in me, damnit.

I have zero support system. I barely talk to anyone. My support structure on IRC, where at least I'd almost always have 20+ people to whinge to up and disappeared, despite all my efforts to get people around to hang out and talk. I'm not one who sits around and moans about how real people go away, and even the pixel people friends online leave me, but it is HARD not to start thinking about everyone abandoning me, even if I don't mean to.

My best friend, one of the few people I DO talk to (And unfortunately a few thousand miles away in Canada, naturally) has had his own problems for the last nine years, and every time I've tried to talk with him about smaller moments of my life going to shit, or needing some cheering up or distracting, it's quickly acknowledged, and it's right straight back to dealing with his problems. I've slowly withdrawn more and more as it became clear that my problems are either inconsequential (even I acknowledge this for some of them), or just don't matter.

So all I can do is sit here, day after day, night after night, as my own thoughts devour my mind, knowing I have to do SOMEthing, and feeling like the few choices I had are GONE and they will be made FOR me. And I think some of that is what I hate the most. This feeling of being in freefall, of a lack of control.

Hopefully tomorrow, this long, long rant will be meaningless, or at least able to be kicked down the road for a bit longer. Hopefully, the doctors will see exactly what it is, know how to treat it for now, and dad can keep driving, maybe even not have to worry about distances (I personally think they're being overly cautious there, but I Am Not A Doctor), and maybe even go back to work.

That's the best case scenario.

Worst case...I have to move.

I lose my home of almost 30 years.

I have to go...SOMEwhere, who knows where. This is why I've been trying to get photographs of some of the night sky, because if I have to go on my own soon, it'll be to a city for obvious reasons, and it will kill me to lose my closeness to nature here.

And this just...just keeps hitting domino after domino.

I might be done with comics.

I might be done with Trisk.

I might be done with everything that matters to me, and everything is going away, taken from me, just...GONE like that, and with so few friends, not a single one in a physical sense, I am struggling to even see a point, and I know how that sounds.

I am losing my mind, I'm freaking out, I am on this precipice staring out into an abyss, I can't hold on anymore, and I am at this exact moment 100% unsure of what my life will be like in just a few more hours. Every single thing that matters to me could just be FFFT gone like that

I don't know what I'm going to do, and I have never felt so lost and alone and if I could just stop freaking out and panicking, maybe I could find a way, and I just need more time.

SO, that's the state of Jason these last few months. I've been keeping this inside my own head, but I had to let it out before the implosion on the horizon.

And a few things before I end this monstrously long post: I know how things sound, and I know how dark I'm coming off right now, but please don't worry about me on that front. I'm mostly just spewing my thoughts as they come right now with very little filter.

2) I know so much of this is my own damned fault and responsibility.

3) I know that my dad is going through hell too, and I don't want to make this All About Me, but how can I not, at the same time?

4) Please don't take offense at the stuff like 'no friends' and 'real people vs. pixel people' stuff. You KNOW what I mean, it's just hard to differentiate between the people you can see with your eyes every day, and the AMAZING AND AWESOME FRIENDS I have online and see every single day and way more than I ever would in person.

In the meantime, I am going to grab something to eat, hope for the best tomorrow, or at least not the worst, and hope I can stumble into something before everything goes to hell.

Screaming internally.

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