December 29th, 2014


Mom's the Word

I've posted about this elsewhere, but I want to talk about it here, because LJ is and always will be my primary talking space, and it will be easy to find this by day and date.

I've mentioned my mom's deteriorating health before, and that she went into a rehabilitation facility back in September. Her mental state deteriorated and never quite recovered, making the worst fears all those wacky stories I told come true. You know how it goes. Doesn't remember dad visiting every day, doesn't remember him saying he'd call, but would remember the *dog* perfectly. She was confused, but still had mostly moments of lucidity, if not normalcy. Just, the memory was shot, frequently.

But the physical state was not good. She was diagnosed with lung cancer over the summer, as well as other issues from recent years, and she took a turn this last week or two.

Christmas, we got a call that they had rushed her to the hospital, and she was in critical condition. Dad went in the next day, and the family came and went and came again all weekend long. It was hard for me to go visit, because I didn't want to spend all day in the hospital staring at the walls, but I knew I had to, and I knew today my dad had stuff to do in the morning, and would be going to the hospital later, so it all worked out.

Before we left, I got another call from the hospital saying my mom's breathing had slowed, and to see if anyone would be there.

We got there shortly afterwards, as fast one can travel in Vermont from the middle of nowhere. My mom was awake, but not really responsive. She was aware, on some level, and I spoke briefly. And I mean briefly. I'm the quiet, reserved one, and I didn't have much to say, but I was there, and she saw me.

And then at 11:21 this morning, not long at all after we arrived, my mother passed away. I don't like these sorts of comments usually, but it's almost like she was waiting to see me one last time, and then she could go.

I'm relieved it's over, that she's no longer in pain, and there won't be endless months of her mind fading away. She went with family around her, we said our goodbyes, and she went about as peacefully as you can go. She took one last breath, and without a sound, that was it.

I'm doing surprisingly well, and almost frighteningly calm right now. I can feel it poking at the back of my head, I have it hit me in small waves, and I am positive it'll all come crashing down on me in a few days, but right now I take my comfort that it was as peaceful and painless as it could possibly be

You lived a long, full life, raised seven kids, and achieved much. It's hard to be sad about that, y'know? But I'll miss you mom, and sharing your eccentricities with everyone, and hearing your voice.

*flails* I don't know how to end this. ;)

Love you, mom, and wherever you are, I am sure you are giving 'em hell and being just as stubborn as ever.