Caitlin Grey (foenix) wrote,
Caitlin Grey

Paying the Bills Theater: Showdown at Area 51

This almost wasn't a PtBT movie, simply because this movie had NO BIG NAMES WHATSOEVER.

Until about midway through, I finally recognised that the blonde was Chiana from Farscape.  And the male lead was Jeremy London's brother, who may well have a big career of his own, but I'll be damned if I can think of what.

How bad was this crapfest?  It was so bad that I couldn't even find it on IMDB, because it's REAL name is Alien vs. Alien.  They've finally linked the names together though, so it will show up if you do a search.

Sadly I can't do a play by play due to the laptop issues, so I'm just going to skim my major thoughts.

This movie made next to no sense whatsoever.  There was tons of jargon and MacGuffins running around, and EVERYONE in the film knew what they were, they just didn't feel like explaining it to the audience very well, just in passing.

"We need to find the sixth gem to put in the Ether Rod or it won't deactivate the Omega Seed," when said to a complete stranger, should elicit calls to the wacko shack, not a discussion on where it is.  Convenience of plotting of course had the one guy they blurt this out to be the one guy who had it.  And the movie is entirely like this.  Everyone in the movie seems to be well aware of aliens, and crashes, and artifacts, on modern day Earth.  Even if half the cast looks like VERY well armed park rangers.  Until another group comes in that also isn't really explained and they look like they borrowed armour from Starship Troopers.  Minus helmets, which might've been helpful.

Aparently the government shows the entrance to the Omega Seed as a shaft in an old barn.  Fine.  We get to the shaft, but it's actually an air duct that curls around like a kid's slide, and dumps everyone far underground.  We finally see the way out is a cave entrance at the end of the film.  Rather than the silly scene on the slippy slide, wouldn't the army, or whomever say in their files, "Dudes, use the front door, not the air duct."?

Finally, we've got the Ether Rod at the Omega Seed (I feel like a retard just typing it in a review, and they wanted us to take this seriously when the actors said it?), and it has to be put into the Deactivation Port, but no one knows which that is.  There's a vague scene about symbols on the rod, and the base of the structure, and some might match, kinda, which leads Chiana to declare "This is the one!" to one of the markings on the top of the base of the Omega Seed.  Why?  We're not really told.  Again.  It just is, accept it.

They try and try to push the rod into the hole, all the while fighting off the alien that's been trying to stop them, except when it wasn't in a bit of convoluted plotting, until there's no time left in the film and it magically goes into the hole.

So, what is the Omega Seed?  I think it's a bomb.  But it's set on a timer to when we reach a certain peak of industrialisation for the alien race who put it there millennia ago to come and harvest our crap we've thrown in the air.  And it's even brought up, "But why don't they just ask?"  Good question!  Hey, Jude, why not?  "The Omegas don't negotiate!"  ...Well fine, there's still no reason to kill for it.  Just take the shit in our air, really.  It's absurdist plotting.  At least they don't want our water, like EVERY OTHER ALIEN.

But it's not just any bomb, it will just release a pathogen into the air, to kill all air breathers!  And for some reason, it extends all the way down to the Earth's core.  How our little band of heroes know this when they didn't really know about the device in the first place...whatever.

There's an entire alien armada waiting in space, waiting for the bug to kill us all, and when the bomb doesn't go off, they just up and leave.

A giant space fleet, of an advanced alien species, whose emissary has been kicking ass left and right, against our best soldiers, has one weapon not go off, and they just fly away.  Peas and rice, they're lazy bastards.  They clearly could have handed us our heads, and likely made the planet even more crappy for them to harvest, but no.  The bomb didn't go off, let's go home.

Sigh.  I may not be a great writer, but I really hope I'm better than this crap.

I give this mess a two out of five gems on the Ether Rod, so it looks like I can't shove it into the Deactivation Port on the Omega Seed.

But it's still not as bad as Highlander: the Source.

Tags: paying the bills theatre

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