Nicole Grey (foenix) wrote,
Nicole Grey

Paying the Bills Theatre: Headless Horseman

This weekend, we';ve got a modern day sequel to the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, starring Richard Moll.

"Don't fire 'til you see the whites of their eyes!" is the funniest thing possible to say when the HEADLESS guy comes after you.

Ugh. So the set up is that everything we know from the legend is wrong, and it didn't actually have anything to do with New England. I cna go ahead with the legend being the whitewashed version, but to blow out everything else, for your little movie that will likely be nowhere near as good or classic? Talk about hubris. And their myth gets worse. Bad guy killed kids for power many years ago, and then was killed by a priest with a magic sword. So it really has NOTHING to do with the original story, and couyld've been any generic horror movie, but tacked on the name to get more respctability. It's familiar to First Knight to me, a generic medieval film that tacked on the Arthurian characters to get more notice.

And then they bring in the Hydra constellation, saying that when the stars align every seven years is when the Horseman returns. Errr, constellations don't really work like that, or at least don't really move to be in the same positions that often. Nor is the Hyrda the guardian of Hell. That was a different multiheaded beast. This movie is pissing all over legends. ;) They did get right that the constellation normally only has one visible star.

"Maybe he can only take one head at a time!" Why? Because we need to draw this movie out for 90 minutes!

Ok, for each kid the Horseman kills, and brings their head back to Hell, his head regenerates a little more, and he gains power. He's currently the Hamburger Headed Horseman, by the way. So what is in it for him? They give him heads, his head grows back...and in seven years it happens again. That's no motive, that's not even revenge. That's insanity by way of repetition. He accomplishes his goal, but...then nothing. Seven years later, back to headlessness.

And what must be the dumbest line ever, "He must be buried underground!" Well, no shit, that's kinda what burying is. I guess he could be buried in the attick, or in the tree branches!

Oh gods no, don't call the sword 'the town's own Excalibir'. Don't butcher THAT legend too! "Yeah, their own sword of vengeance." NO! Excalibur was not about vengeance!! Arthurian myths are exactly NOT about that!

For blatant hubris, bad acting, pissing over myths and legends repeatedly and not knowing when to stop, having a mornic plot even for these sorts of films, I give Headless Horsman two out of five Christopher Walkens.

Still not as bad as Highlander: the Source.
Tags: paying the bills theatre

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