I am SO CLOSE to getting V@mpires. So *very* close.
Here's the exact text of the entire quest, and my following detective work:
Being a vampire takes a lot of money; huge Transylvanian castles aren't cheap. Judging from the following cryptic email, some of them are getting desperate for cash.
From: Count Platypus S. Morality <s43546525544486@[rest>
To: [address omitted]
Subject: Make money fast!
Breed of cat mixes with complaintiff to address gathering. Buffy's weapon misses its first arrest. Everything is in malls' interior. Political opponent sounds aristocratic, loses. Number of jury members begin negotiation after nap. Evil, dead hero joins bad, exsanguinated rush. First triquadrifid animal found inside armory. Communication found in sublet terrace. Magician retires to pursue study of hermeneutics. Beheaded sabers are parts of speech? Army's foresightful advance prevents delay. Sounds like tavern interior. Confusing act again follows last part of computer command. Famous misquotation attributed to former secretary revised. After initial chaos, reversed bullets pause. Doctor's attempt to strychninize is a qualified success. Next chicken follows first turkey. Computer programmers unfaithfully follow instruction in book. Professor at forefront of astrobiology dismissed after provocative lecture. Novel commercial follows crazy television medical drama. Every pain is mixed-up. No one can redistribute supplies in village center. Famous archaeologist covers up heliographic drawings. Alley in Harry Potter meets Bundy or Roker, but not head-on. Movie monster rampaged, people gesticulated wildly. Birthstone endlessly altered era.
What is this email promoting?
Now, I've gotten almost EVERY clue figured out. Turns out, not every sentence there is a clue. All those long words? Those sentences aren't clues. Take the twelve twelve letter words and set them aside. That leaves behind:
Buffy's weapon misses its first arrest. Everything is in malls' interior. Number of jury members begin negotiation after nap. Evil, dead hero joins bad, exsanguinated rush. Communication found in sublet terrace. Beheaded sabers are parts of speech? Sounds like tavern interior. Confusing act again follows last part of computer command. After initial chaos, reversed bullets pause. Next chicken follows first turkey. Novel commercial follows crazy television medical drama. Every pain is mixed-up. Alley in Harry Potter meets Bundy or Roker, but not head-on. Birthstone endlessly altered era.
That gives me: Take. All. Dozen. ? Letter. Words. In. ? Comma. Then. Read. Each. Diagonal. Period. Or "Take all dozen ? letter words in ?, then read each diagonal."
So, a dozen twelve letter words left over, and reading diagonals, they all go nicely into a square,
And THAT gives me crimsonfluidfifththirdeg
Soooo, Crimson Fluid Fifth Third and leftover? eg.
Crimson fluid is obvious, especially with vampires involved. I'd ignore the fifth third eg, but the instructions say read EACH diagonal, so it's gotta mean something, especially since I actually got fifth and third out of that, which would be pretty nifty if it was accidental. And so, I somehow have to get from there to the precise word or combination of words that it requires to get from that last clue to the answer to the question being posed.
Edit: Damnit, now I can't go to sleep, because all you other folks playing will take all my hard work and solve the quest before I do, taking my rightful spot on the first ten to solve it list! ;)