Nicole Grey (foenix) wrote,
Nicole Grey
foenix

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Through No Fault But Mine Own

You're probably going to want to scroll past this to something more interesting, I get uncharacteristically whiny and introspective.

It's funny the things that can suddenly make you sit up and realise what an utter joke of a life one has created for themselves.

What was it today? Of all things, a DVD.

'Tis new release Tuesday, and if there's stuff coming out, I like to, understandably, escape the house to see something other than a monitor and four walls. I look forward to these excursions, as sad and pathetic as that may seem. So, there were plans made to drag my ass around today. Dad had to work, mother would take me upon waking. Fine, that works. I just need to crash early, so I mentally get myself tired, so I can actually pull that trick off, then my mom informs me this morning that I'm going with dad this morning. And I'm already nice and ready to just pass out at that moment. Again, fine. I'll live. It's not like I have anything else planned. Although it seems every time I try to get to sleep before noon more regularly, that gets quickly destroyed by someone or something. Fortunately, I've turned that around mostly, since my heart issues (Which are no longer issues, huzzah!)

And no, this isn't all about "Waaaah, I can't buy a DVD when I wanted". These are things that've been weighing down upon me for awhile that just kinda finally bubbled over the last few days. I figured I'd combine my bitchfests into one megapost and get it out of the way, then back to usual.

Then dad gets up, and he's grumpy, and doesn't want to go to the city today, it'll have to wait a few days.

I'm honestly more annoyed at the jerking around making me dizzy (And already tired) than the DVD...although again, getting out of the house is nice.

But this was all just a prelude for things seeping in. Not that I didn't notice them before, I'm not bl...ok, bad choice of words there. ;) It's just one of those days where the world seems to be crushing down upon oneself.

So I'm sitting here, and realising I'm 29, living with my parents, in the middle of nowhere, and they have no become my SOLE means of transportation, as my friends around here have slowly dwindled away, passed away, and the last person I had left has just moved down to PA. I'd say it's the realisation of being utterly alone (You guys don't count. You're all awesome, but you're not exactly HERE either). And when you start to think about it, and see these things not exactly changing anytime soon, it can kinda get to you.

And the clincher is, not really seeing anything changing any time soon. My only means of meeting people lately had been through my plays, but I've been unable to do those, because parents don't want to cart me to and from rehearsals, especially since they're in the winter, so I've met no new people in forever. Other means were through other people, but even those've dried up. So, jobless, under-educated (Though certainly not stupid, I've just chosen to be self-matriculated, and I have no qualms there. Just another self-imposed hurdle), and want to be a writer. I really need to get off my ass on that last count, or just watch this spiral continue downwards.

Yeah, I really fucked this one up, huh?

And on top of all this, crappy Legion cartoon art!!

What? You thought my sense of humour was dead? Oh, heavens no. ;)

I'm ok, really. Just needed to rant, mostly at myself. I actually feel better now.

J
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